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– Just because you can press the keys on the piano does not give you the right to torture me with an hour of the intro to fur elise/lean on me/heart and soul/chop sticks.
-If you played that song at your 5th grade piano recital you’re not allowed to play it here.
-If you happen to have the ability to play something more advanced please pick more than two songs to play over and over again.
-Please do not wander aimlessly in front of the counter for fifteen minutes, sit down, and as soon as I leave to work on something else proceed back to the counter to order.
-I am here to serve you delicious and wonderful coffee. I am nice and friendly, that doesn’t mean I’m your bitch. So don’t get crazy!
-We are not a table waiting establishment, so if you walk away after you order your order will sit on the bar and wait for you to return.
-I promise I’m not flirting I just want your tip money.
-If you picked up an Atlas Pizza menu, looked around, and STILL tried to order pizza then you should know that the nut house is just around the corner and will be here momentarily to collect you.
-If you’re going to attempt to hand me your number through the tip jar it better be wrapped around something bigger than a $1…REALLY?!!
-If you’re a regular and I make the extra effort to make your drink so that you never have to wait and never have to order then you better tip me or I’ll start forgetting who you are.
-What the hell is a regular? When I ask you what size you want and you say regular You shall get in return whatever the hell I want to give you.
-On that note, I understand and comprehend Starbucks lingo. However, when you order a “tall” and I ask, to clarify, “tall as in small” don’t look at me like I’m retarded and say “uhhh noooo, large”…what line of logic are you basing your decision making on?!
-Even though I know you have a head injury and a memory problem I am not employed to be at your beck and call, especially when you’re being a….yeah.
-Just because I know you doesn’t mean you’re getting my discount.
-If you take my dishes outside to eat/drink in the pretty sunshine please bring them back, I’m not your mother.
-Do to the placement of the 48 trash cans in our lovely establishment please refrain from leaving your trash all over the place…once again, I am not your mother.
-If you do not receive a paycheck from this establishment please keep your janky self on the opposite side of my counter…there are 47 other trash cans that you may dispose of things in.
-If I fill your coffee cup too full, just let me know and I will be happy to pour some in the sink, but please do not pour it in the trashcan. I have to clean that out at the end of the night and that’s disgusting.
-Please refrain from asking me ridiculous questions when the answer is right in front of you. When you stare at the menu and ask me the difference between a mocha and a mocha bianca I want to slap you because there is a detailed explanation right in front of you.
-If you come in here and don’t know what you want don’t stare at me like I’m suppose to know. Put on your big kid underoos, gander at the menu and figure it out…I am not paid to be a mind reader.
-If you’re a regular and I don’t recognize you or haven’t seen you before please don’t stand there and stare at me like I’m suppose to know what you order. Tell me “Hello my name is Inigo Montoya. I am a regular and I would like to order a spectacular medium latte with cinnamon sprinkles. I will always order a spectacular medium latte with cinnamon sprinkles. Just so you know” At this point I will smile and make you a spectacular medium latte with cinnamon sprinkles. From then on I will know to say, “How ya doin Inigo, you want the usual?” Thanks.
-Merlin?….just say no
-If you come in with a giant group that takes up all of our tables…have the common courtesy to order something. I appreciate you wanting to use out place of business as a meeting place and will be happy to accommodate you and any of your needs, but come on…REALLY?!
-This is not glamor shots or lifetouch studios…unless you see a jcpenny sign out front please refrain from bringing in your high school senior and her “photographer” and setting up shop. That’s not what’s cool.
-It’s not in my job description to wait on you to finish your phone conversation before order as a long line of customers begins to pile up behind you. Either hang up or get out of line and finish your conversation you’re being rude!
-Please open your eyes and look around before asking me stupid questions like “do you have any napkins”…no sir we don’t but if you really feel like you might need one look right in front of you at the sign that says “NAPKINS”…oh and hit up lenscrafters on the way home for good measure.
-“do you have any creamer”…why yes we do ma’am, if you’ll look up on the ledge to your left its in the little refrigerator marked “creamer”. Why must everyone immediately look down and to the right and then proceed to rifle through the drawers and cabinets as if the creamer is the holy grail hidden away down the winding staircase, past the fire-breathing dragon, slay the hideous beast, leap the river of fire, cross the barely functioning rope bridge, (cue the hallelujah angels)….oh my god there it is!!!
-“sooo like, um, does, like the iced mocha have ice in it. Face palm, WTF!!…nah we just put that on there to mess with you.
-FYI – There’s a big ass mirror in front of me so I can see you checking out my ass as i pull your espresso shot…you’re not slick, just a creeper.
-“why hello there locally elderly artist, I would love to help you put your crappy art on the wall. Do I like it?…..um, yes yes I love repetitive paintings of barns/cows/something resembling flowers. Oh you’ve been taking art classes at the local senior center, that’s so nice.”
– Hi I’m not one to judge, but if your child climbs on the back of my couch and tries to swing from the light fixture one more time I’m gonna kill him.
-We strive to have a comfortable, chill vibe in our lovely store. Annnnd i can see we’ve gone above and beyond because your laying down with your shoes off reading while your children run a muck. We are not your living room, thanks.
-We encourage anyone and everyone to feel welcome. Smokers, we have provided you a cigarette bucket and 4,000 ashtrays, now please stop throwing your butts on our patio. I have to sweep up that disgusting mess and if it continues I will start putting them in your coffee. Have a nice day!
Well, that concludes this installment of how much i love working in a retail environment. Please feel free to add or edit as you see fit. Enjoy!
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