Ethical Cheese

Tears for You
June 24, 2011, 8:11 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I shed tears over you for the first time today.  I don’t know how I feel about that.   Perhaps in a moment of weakness I admitted I missed you and entertained the idea of “us” again.  It quickly faded, but at least I told you that you terrify me.  That you feed my fear of giving myself to someone who will up and leave when the going gets tough, when life would be easier with the white picket fence and 2.5 kids.  Loneliness crept close to show me that I may miss you, but I can never have you.  You were never mine to have in the first place, well; at least you admitted it this time.  Your heart was never truly mine; you’ve always belonged to some other man.  You may not have known him but he’s always been there for you.  Your safety net when you got tired of the difficulty of being with someone like me.  Maybe it’s just finally all sinking in that I was a phase to you.  My heart aches at the realization that what you thought was love was more than likely an infatuation with the abnormal and “dangerous”.  I will readily admit that have a million faults, however, I gave you my whole heart.  I let you in closer than I have let anyone in in a very long time.  But here I am someone’s experiment.  You know, the crazy thing is I’m not mad at you in the least.  I’m furious with myself for having fallen and ignoring my gut about you.  Then again, I’ve been burned before and I survived.  As easy as it would be for me to become jaded because of what you and others have put me through I know that I never will be.  It is my conscious effort to be available and open regardless of the outcome because I’ve seen what hurt and hate can turn people into and I refuse to become one of them.  I refuse to go through life jaded and scarred by things beyond my control.  I refuse to curtail the love I have to give because I’m afraid someone like you could take advantage of it.  That kind of love will probably end up killing me, but at least I’ll go having given everything I could.  Now, however, the hurt is creeping to the surface and for the first time I’m allowing it to.  Every instinct I have is screaming at me to retreat to a solitary place and hurt alone.  I’ve grown enough to know however, that I need people, even if I don’t want them right now.  So I force myself to be social when inside I want to scream in a padded room and lose it all.  I’ll get by and I’ll survive despite all I go through.  I’ll care and I’ll love…you, despite myself, because it’s just who I am and how I function.  Such is my God given blessing and curse.


1 Comment so far
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Hugs. I’m so sorry and I wish I could make all the hurt go away. I love you!

Comment by amanda

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